Ramen Star Ivan Orkin On Why Beer Matters
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Being a beer lover often means buying more than just beer. You need certain products to get the most out of each brew. Right? You want to be able to drink anywhere, anytime, at the right temperature, and with the right amount of foam. So you buy coolers, and mini kegs, and devices. Sometimes though, companies take beer accessories just a bit too far.
Some products push the limits of what is necessary, or even wanted, to a craft beer drinker. Some are downright ridiculous. Just because you love beer doesn’t mean you want to strap it to every surface of your body or smell like it constantly.
This list is just a few of our favorite outrageous beer products from the archives of Amazon. It’s got everything you never wanted but should probably buy just to say you have. If you want to look like the ultimate apocalypse-ready-and-decked-out-to-the-nines-beer-drinker, then these items are perfect for you.
1. Bröö Thickening Shampoo
Bröö came out with a line of thickening shampoos and conditioners made with malted barley and hop flowers. Because, why wouldn’t you want your hair to smell like stale beer?
2. Cold Beer Hour
This is a plastic beer server that attaches to your beer and keeps it cold. For when pouring beer like a normal person feels too pedestrian.
3. Boobie Beer Topper
Ever wish you were a baby again and could get all of your nourishment from the bosom of your mother? Well, you can relive those dreams with this rubber nipple attachment for cans of beer, because parenting and alcohol go well together.
4. Six Pack Greeting Card Box
Wedding gift? Here’s a six pack with a card attached to it. Birthday? Buddy, have I got a surprise for you. These colorful six pack holders are for when you’re in the beer store and can’t be bothered to swing by a greeting card store on the way to the party. We’re waiting for the funeral-themed pack.
5. Single Beer Holster
Gun holsters work because a gun is relatively compact and not full of liquid. The gun sits there on the hip, western style. In the case of beer holsters, the wearer needs to fasten it to their leg. So the situation quickly turns into a warm beer foaming all down your jeans as you walk bowlegged to the bathroom. Sounds like the Kentucky Derby to me.
6. Boozy Kuzy Beer Gloves
If your winter wear is “purpose-built” for drinking beer, you’ve got bigger problems than cold hands. “Beer hole” does have a nice ring to it though.
7. EZ Drinker Drink Vest
For when you can’t be bothered with cardboard cases, or are drinking on the move in some college version of a Tough Mudder, the cleverly named EZ Drinker Drink Vest has got you covered. As an added bonus, there’s no better motivation for drinking quickly than ten pounds of quickly warming beer strapped to your torso.
8. Inflatable Coasters Pool Floats
In theory, floating beer coasters is a great idea. Right up there with resting it on the side of the pool. However, one cannonball and these pink birds are toppling over.
9. Philosopher Beer Can Glass
These are actually my favorite on the list. It’s a line of “can glasses” with bad beer puns on the side, so that you can crack a beer and…let it slip into something a little more comfortable.
10. Star Power Beer Glasses
They are beer sunglasses…beer googles for a sunny day.
11. Inflatable Beer Bottle Bath Pillow
Do you question your machismo while taking bubble baths? There’s a bath pillow for staying fresh while keeping it real.
12. Beads w/Oktoberfest Mug
These Mardi Gras style beads have a one ounce beer mug hanging from them for Oktoberfest celebrations. But Oktoberfest is for beer not liquor, and who’s going to drink beer out of a one ounce glass?
13. Adjustable Manly Alcohol Beer Dog Collars
Is it really manly to put a collar decorated with beer glasses on your dog? Dogs don’t even drink beer.
14. Jelly Belly Draft Beer Jelly Beans
These beer flavored jelly beans sound interesting, until you read the reviews. They get compared to stale beer, and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor “Vomit” flavored beans.
15. Beerbell Beer Can Koozie
It’s a barbell. It’s a can koozie. It gets you drunk and swole. It even floats so you can take it with you into the hot tub after.
